When Leah Sagar’s stepdad took his own life last September, she felt she was “broken”. Here, Leah shares how support from Just ‘B’ helped her to find some peace and  to “change her life”.

“My stepdad was pretty much my dad; he had been in my life since I was four. Even after he and my mum split up, he was still my dad, and as I got older, he was my go-to, and my inspiration.

“I really admired him – he was over 6”, tall and strong and he inspired me, He was really proud of me and my family and I was proud of him.

“He struggled all his life with his mental health but he managed to overcome his struggles and a turbulent past. He was caring full time for his mother and his disabled sister.

“However, his mum died and he was still caring for his sister. When lockdown happened, he got no respite. He recognised that he needed some help and he did reach out a couple of times but his priority was caring for his sister. I think he felt that if he asked for help, his sister would be taken away. He didn’t want to let her down and he pushed his own mental health and wellbeing needs aside.

“I spoke to him the day before he died, and very quickly the morning of, and I had absolutely no idea how bad he was feeling. We had spoken not long before about him getting some support, and I knew he had been struggling but I didn’t think he would do anything like this.”

“When I heard what had happened, it utterly broke me. We were on the phone often, nattering and sharing photos and stories of my children; his grandchildren. His death impacted all our lives. I went into survival mode – I couldn’t do anything or accept what had happened. I have two young children and I was just going through the motions.

“In January I finally contacted my GP as I knew I needed help. I was offered counselling and medication. I didn’t want the medication, as I felt it would just mask what I was feeling rather than dealing with it. But I did try some online therapy which helped a bit.

“I started with Di at Just ‘B’ in March and it was really great how quickly it happened.

“Di, my support worker, was so lovely and really listened to me. She gave me the time to speak and to be listened to. It was so easy to talk to her. She knew when to listen and when to ask questions to help me open up and really think about myself and my feelings. It really is amazing the difference a different, unbiased perspective can make to your understanding and acceptance of difficult emotions. She always made sure our sessions ended on a composed note, with me feeling OK.

“She changed my life completely – and that of my husband and children.  I can’t put into words the difference the support has made to all of us.

“My husband was really supportive but I needed to have someone unbiased and neutral to talk to. Although we had both known people who had died, this was a kind of loss we’d never had to deal with before.

“I’m obviously always going to be affected by his death, but I can now recognise that bad moments are just that – a moment. Before this support, I was lost in my grief – I felt that I would never be able to get through it. It felt like being kicked in the stomach and not being able to get my breath back. I now know that it’s OK to have these feelings, and although it can still be painful, I am now able to think about him and smile, and be grateful for the time we had and the memories we made together.

“Mental health still carries such a stigma and people – especially men – often don’t talk about it. Just ‘B’s support has helped me speak to my own children about emotions. Because I have had that safe space to speak and process my feelings, it isn’t so overwhelming now to talk to other people about it. I can tell my children “Mummy’s feeling sad right now, and that’s OK,” rather than putting that mask on.

“Communication is so important with your children, and it’s been so helpful to teach them that they too can talk about how they are feeling; that we don’t have to be happy all the time and we don’t have to hide it if we are not.

“My dad was afraid of letting people down, or being seen as ‘soft’ , afraid to show weakness. But for me, it’s important to know that I don’t have to bottle it up, or say “I’m fine” if I’m not.

“I did feel anger at him and I did feel guilt – Why did I not see? Wy did I not do that… However,  Just ‘B’ has helped me find some peace.

“I was consumed with guilt for a long time, guilt that I missed the signs, that I absolutely never saw this coming; anger that he thought this was his only way to end his suffering; and overwhelming heartbreak that we just couldn’t save him from himself. However, Just ‘B’ has helped me find some peace.

“I never expected to lose him in this way, but I know that he loved us and that he knew how much we loved him, and I know how lucky we are that we had him in our lives for so long.”