Rob has offered to share his personal experience of grief following the death of his late wife Karen, by suicide. He hopes that doing so will help others to know they’re not alone and that it’s ok to feel whatever they’re feeling.
Reading this may bring a range of emotions. If you would like any support or to talk things through, you can contact our Hear to Help support line.
Remembering Karen
“Karen was born and bred in Harrogate. We met at a Christmas party in the northeast and just clicked straight away. We had thirteen very happy years of marriage. She was such a kind person and easy going. She was my rock.
“Karen made me into the man I wanted to be. She gave me values and did things that enriched my life. She was always thoughtful and thinking about others.
“Karen got ill in 2018 with a mental breakdown and struggled with her mental health, spending time in hospital. That was a period of grieving in itself for me. Even though she was still here, I’d lost the woman that I loved. On 24 Feb 2020 Karen sadly took her own life.
“My feelings at that time were extremely raw. I’ve never experienced anything like that level of emotional pain. Plus, due to Covid, the normal support network that I would have had were not around.
“After losing Karen, I grieved not just for her, but the loss of our future. All the plans and things we were going to do.
“I also grieved for myself. I did not know who I was anymore. For so long, it had been me and Karen.
“I was displaced. What I believed would be my future disappeared in one day.
“I’ve had to rebuild and reidentify myself, which has taken time.
Finding support
“Luckily, I was referred quickly to Just ‘B’ and had a lot of support.
“We couldn’t meet in person at that time but spoke weekly on the telephone. It was good to be able to talk unfiltered to someone who wasn’t going to judge or get upset. Families are great but you filter as they wouldn’t be able to deal with everything you would say.
“I’m not the person I was with Karen, or the person I was before Karen.
“The thing with grief is it doesn’t go. It changes and evolves. It manifests in different ways, but it always stays with you.
“My first year was raw. I didn’t feel any emotions and was numb. In year two, I was more emotional when how I was feeling started coming out. By the third year, I realized I need to talk more.
“Getting further therapy helped me to start to think about Karen when she was well. Following this, I was able to enjoy talking about her and remember her with my family and friends.
“At one point, I was struggling with empathy and caring about anybody and was worried this was the new me. Going to therapy and talking about it helped me understand that that was a side-effect of the grief, the fear of losing someone again.
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Connecting with others
“Therapy seemed like a natural thing for me and I didn’t want to burden family and friends. I appreciate that not everyone feels comfortable with this though.
“Just ‘B’ gave me someone to talk to when there wasn’t a network around me. The opportunity to say what I was feeling quite early on really helped.
“It helps that it’s very accepted here and we talk about it with our colleagues. I had had training on suicide and grief and though this didn’t make it easier, I understood what was happening.
“There was a lot of support from team members around that time. Even though a lot of it is blurred now, I remember colleagues coming to Karen’s funeral and going for walks with me, which I appreciated.
“One of the most impactful things that happened to me was my neighbour calling me over and simply giving me a hug. He just knew what I needed and didn’t need to say anything. Little things like that make a huge difference.
“I joined ‘widowed and young’ which is a support network for people under 50. During that period, I was able to meet people who understood and read others’ stories, get perspective.
“I have also shared thoughts and memories on my own Instagram profile. Getting interactions on there helped me to know that others got it.
Moving forward
“Just ‘B’ and my other therapy helped me move forward- not recover or get over it; you never do- but talk in a professional setting.
“There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve. We all have different experiences and different emotions.
“There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling whatever you feel during grief. You shouldn’t try and fight it- it makes us human.
“The stages of grief don’t follow any pattern- you’re all over the place. It’s like a scribble. You dip out of stages at different times. It can be challenging because to look at you, nobody knows what’s going on inside.
“Despite the tragedy that’s happened and following therapy, I now like the person I’ve become. I feel positive about the future. Things that used to worry me don’t worry me anymore because the worst thing that could happen has happened.
“But even though I’m feeling positive now, I still have moments, real waves of grief- a song, a smell, a TV programme. These can be triggered and come again. But it’s important to have them rather than bottle them up. Although it’s hard, letting it out the way I did was important.
“Speaking to someone can really help in lots of ways. If you can, do.”
Explore our resources on talking about dying
Finding creative outlets
“I’ve always been a writer. The first Christmas without Karen, I wrote song lyrics to describe what it was like. At her funeral, a poem I’d written that she really liked was read.
“I also painted after Karen died. I found I could lose myself in painting.
“To occupy my mind during lockdown, I completely stripped my bedroom and built it back up from the bottom up. I just needed a place I could go that was mine.
“One of the things that happened that was unusual was I couldn’t watch TV, listen to music or read. It was sensory overload. I needed other outlets at that time: art, writing and focusing on DIY.
“The music has come back now, but I sometimes still struggle watching TV on my own.
“My paintings remembering Karen are now in my bedroom.”
Talking about Karen
“For me, it’s important to talk about Karen. She was real and she existed. That’s part of who I am, my make-up if you like.
“It was important to me that people knew the nature of Karen’s death. That said, I didn’t need to go in the detail of why.
“Sometimes you want people to know that you’re feeling these profound feelings and hurting. But people always don’t know, or they forget. It will always be there in my life though.
“People have a fear that if they mention the name of the person whose died, it’ll upset us. But they were a real person that meant something to us. I like talking about Karen.
“They can also expect that you’re ok all the time or they get surprised when you get upset- there’s no time limit. I’m ok and feel positive, but it’ll always be there.
“Saying things like “is there anything I can do to help?” or “I’ll be there for you” was much better for me than things said to make me ‘feel better’ like “you’ll get over it’ or ‘you’ll be fine’. Also, not to give up on us. For a long time, I didn’t take up offers of meeting up but eventually, I said yes and appreciated people sticking with me.
Talking about grief
“There’s still a barrier that it’s not cool to speak to someone, even from a young age. Men especially have to have a stiff upper lip. We need to break down that stigma. It’s ok to feel, and ok to talk. It is getting better but there’s more to do in making it acceptable.
“You move forward but you never move on. It’s ok to experience whatever you’re experiencing.”
Read our article on managing grief
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